Oh, the pleasures to be found in taxidermy

RYAN REYNOLDS

June 19, 2008 at 3:00PM AKST

Weird book of the week 

Let’s get something straight here. Today we’re talking about “Home Taxidermy for Pleasure,” not profit.

For those of you that read “The Worm Has Turned to Compost” and are now squirming in riches from entering the wonderfully exciting field of vermiculture, the same capitalistic enthusiasm need not apply.

Besides, the simple joy of turning an animal inside out, wrapping its deflated pelt around a wire cage and picking out some sparkly glass eyes should be enough. Let’s not get greedy here.

So why this book then? I’m glad you asked.

You see, as a child I had many pets, but only one ever truly owned my heart. His name was Croaker, and he was a toad. I used to trick him and the rest of his toad family into leaving the drain pipe that ran under our house by turning on the hose at one end and waiting patiently at the outlet.

As right as rain, the trick never failed to produce a joyous bunch of happy hoppers that, thinking it was time for bliss in the mist, would come frolicking forth. Then it was simply a matter of gathering them up into a big cardboard box where I would sit amongst my captives, oftentimes clad in naught but my Scooby-Do underpants, and spend many happy hours.

Hmmm. Come to think of it, I was a strange bird. But no matter. Croaker is the issue here.

For a toad, Croaker was unique in having a dazzling yellow throat that always fascinated me. I never failed to pick him out of the crowd and I felt that after a while, we became best of friends.

Of course, I’m sure the feeling wasn’t reciprocal with his being tossed around and petted by a 5-year-old boy daily, but we had a relationship just the same. But oh, if only I had known how to stuff my little amphibious friend after he passed those many years ago.

If I had had Croaker’s dried little body to pet during times of drought, I might never have run away from home and joined that band of Sri Lankan pirates. I still don’t know what they were doing in Texas by the way, but that’s all in the past now.

So don’t delay, learn today. Even if it only saves one kid from a life of piracy on the high seas, learning to taxidermy your household pets after they expire is something we should all consider. By the way, does anyone have an ageing guinea pig? I’m almost to Chapter 14.

Ryan Reynolds can be found at the Library smelling old books and sometimes wearing argyle socks. He can be reached at 224-4082 or rreynolds@cityofseward.net