Just a funky old shack and I gotta get back

RYAN REYNOLDS

June 26, 2008 at 1:43PM AKST

Clouds roll in from the Gulf. Dark, turgid sky udders intent on drowning the town beneath. Huddled low beneath a sagging tarp, you watch helplessly as your spirits fall with each passing drop.

Small rivers form and flow beneath you, around and through your shelter until all is saturated, cold and clammy. It’s another beautiful day in Seward, and yet, any day that begins with wet underpants gets a frowny face in my book.

But no worries. Look yonder! A solution breaks through the clouds faster than a greasy halibut chunk through a wet napkin. Mr. Beard is in the building!  

No, he’s not Mr. Clean’s arch nemesis or even a razor salesman, though I believe he did star in a few Herbal Essences commercials back in the ’60s.

But no, my friends, Mr. Beard, besides having perhaps the coolest name this side of the Chugach, is also an expert in shelters, shacks and my personal favorite, shanties.

Which brings us to this week’s book, “Shelters, Shacks and Shanties,” by D.C. Beard.

With the seasonal housing crunch in play and rent prices rising here in Seward, there has never been a better time to construct your own shifty shack or shingled shed.

Single? Married with kids? Seventeen cats? No matter what your living situation, Mr. Beard has an abode for you.

If I might make a recommendation, the “Barbara” is quite lovely. This ancient Bering Sea coast design emphasizes a spacious, warm and inviting interior complete with a vintage Streisand-esque motif that is simply to die for. There’s also room for expansion should there be a few more kittens on the way.

For the hermit or floodplain resident, how about the “Bog Ken?” Perfect for marshy ground, this humble residence has everything a lone wolf could need.

The options are as endless as your imagination when you reside an imperial 4-1/2 feet above ground. This model also comes with optional “varmint guards” that are highly recommended. As they say in the business, “They won’t get you none if you got your gun, but for the times you don’t, there’s varmint guards.”

So what do you say? With a book this good, there’s no reason not to move on up to the East side.

That’s over near Mount Alice here in our town I suppose. And hey, don’t forget who introduced you when you get that bigger piece of the pie. Could you ask for rhubarb?

Ryan Reynolds can be found at the Seward Library smelling old books and sometimes wearing argyle socks. He can be reached at 224-4082 or rreynolds@cityofseward.net.